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Voted "Most likely to end up a whiny little bitch." PROTESTING HIS LOTT IN LIFE
MAY 30 -- Soon-to-be Senate Minority Leader Trent Lott (R- MS) is pissed.
This makes me happy.
What he's pissed about, and telling anyone who will listen, is that a certain former Republican senator has pulled off what the Trentster is calling a "one-man coup."
That's right, kids, old Trent is going around claiming that the Senate has been STOLEN(!) by none other than Sen. James Jeffords (I-VT), a malicious traitor who has left the mothership, thus swinging control of the Senate to the Democrats.
Welcome to the other side of the spin.
The first side was what we witnessed last week: all the Reich Wingers explaining with their customary bravado, or, as some of us call it, insufferable f**king arrogance, that they didn't need Jeffords anyway, that good ol' Zell Miller (D-GA) was going to switch over, thus canceling out the shift, that they bade good riddance to Jeffords, that damned closet liberal, etc. Trent spoke to the media with all of the soon-to-be deposed Pub Senate committee heads assembled behind him, as if to show us what we were losing. Pfffttt. And how did I like seeing [P]rick Santorum (R-PA) struggling to keep a smile pasted to that smarmy face of his? Oh chilluns, I'm smiling fondly at the memory right now. Anyway, Trent assured us that the Bush Agenda would pass unhindered. As to how that would happen, he didn't elaborate.
But good ol' Zell Miller chose to keep a (D) after his name (and did I call it or did I call it? you tell me), thus blowing the Bush Agenda out of the water.
Time to think.
Now, if you've come into the powerful position of Senate Majority Leader as a result of your party stealing an election, and you covered said theft by accusing the other party of the same thing, and your party has ALSO spent much of the recent past assassinating the character of every person who might have the potential to represent a challenge in the future, how would you try to cover your ass when one of your own summoned the testicular fortitude to leave for the other side?
Crying foul would seem illogical, wouldn't it?
Ah, but that's exactly what Trent's doing now.
The Trentmeister is screeching that the people of Vermont elected a Republican, and Jeffords has betrayed them all by switching to Independent.
First of all, the man's been in Congress for twenty-seven years. I should think the people of Vermont knew they were electing a very liberal Republican all that time.
Secondly, anyone who votes party rather than person is a schmuck.
Lastly, and most importantly, Trent, half the voting population of the country, PLUS 539,000, voted for a Democrat, and the Republican Party and SCOTUS betrayed us all by installing the Manchild.
As the song says, Trent, it stops being funny when it starts being you. Doesn't it just?
As another song says, Trent, how does it feel?
The Reich Wing tells us that we're welcome to Jeffords, and we can take Lincoln Chafee(R-RI) and John McCain (R-AZ) as well. Hey, we'll take 'em, no problem. Then the RW sneers: "Bet you won't like them so much when they vote against the party line, heh-heh!" What the RW fails to realize is that within the Democratic Party, there's plenty of room for mavericks and free thinkers. Unlike their side, we don't expect any of our guys (or ladies) to mindlessly and unquestioningly vote the way they're told. Have you heard anything about the twelve Democratic senators who voted for the Shrub's tax cut being punished? No? That's because it hasn't happened.
So to Trent, and the Reich Wing, I say this: get over it. You lost; we won. Move on. Get a life. Get a grip. Face reality. Here's a Kleenex.
And for chrissake, stop that whining, you bunch of sore losers. 
Right: Dubya is distracted by the sight of Jenna on the wing of Air Force One, mockingly holding a cold Michelob just out of reach. A BRIEF REVIEW OF THE PAST TEN DAYS OR SO
JUNE 11 -- Sorry for the recent lack of updates, kids; it's been hectic for this Communist heathen (so the Reich Wingers call me) here in this haven of bass-ackwards thinking known as Dubyaland. There's a lot to rant about, so I'll try to cover as much as possible.
Republican Party Getting Medieval on Its Own Ass, Part III
A disgruntled Arizona Reich-Winger has begun circulating a petition calling for a recall of the election of Sen. John McCain, ostensibly for "not supporting President [sic] George W. Bush and his agenda." Seems that if you're a Republican Congressman nowadays, if you don't blindly vote for the Shrub Plan, you're dogmeat, and your own party will do all it can to kick your ass out. So much for the "Big Tent", huh?
Another thing the petition contends is that McCain has betrayed the people of Arizona, who voted for a Republican. Huh. First of all, I remember the days when "Republican" was not quite as synonymous with "mindless drone" as it now is. Secondly, I've said it many times before, and I'm sure I'll say it many more times before all this is over, but I'll put it in caps in the hope it might get through: ANYONE WHO VOTES FOR PARTY RATHER THAN PERSON IS A G*DDAM SCHMUCK.
To Sen. McCain I say: Do you really need this s**t? Come away from the Dark Side, John. We'll let you vote any damn way you want. Hell, we'll even let you run against the Manchild in 2004. Don't put up with this anymore, not from this bunch of slobbering chickenhawks.
To the Reich Wing: You can binge on power all you want right now, but eventually you'll wake up with one hell of a hangover. I personally can't wait to see all this s**t you're pulling backfire on you.
Building a Better Theocracy, Part I
Last week, the Federal Communications Commission, now headed by the son of Secretary of State Colin Powell, fined two radio stations $7000 -- one in Denver, one in Milwaukee -- RETROACTIVELY, for playing an edited version of rapper Eminem's hit, "The Real Slim Shady", last year, citing "blatant obscenities present." Folks, I've heard the edited version of this tune. It's so chopped up it's almost an instrumental. Eminem's label, Interscope, approved and released the edit as a single, and radio stations have the option of editing it further, should they wish to do so. The only way you can know what he's saying in the edit is if you've already heard the unedited version. However, the party that "trusts the people" wants to judge for us what is or is not obscene. The edit was played on literally every Top-40 station in the country last summer; will they all be fined?
The FCC cites "listener complaints" as its reason for the fines. Once again, I must repeat myself: If you don't like it, DON'T F**KING LISTEN TO IT. DON'T LOOK AT IT. But DON'T force your views on the rest of us. If you're gonna break into a cold sweat every time someone uses profanity, lock yourself in your Y2K bunker and put on your aluminum-foil hat. And stay there.
Building a Better Theocracy, Part II
I don't think I've mentioned this in previous rants, but if so, it bears repeating.
Attorney General John AshKKKroft, who lost his Senate bid to a dead guy, has been sponsoring daily prayer meetings on Federal property. He says that since it's before work hours commence, it's legal. What a shame that he doesn't know the laws he's supposed to uphold. He also claims that the meetings are optional, and I'm sure he's not keeping track of who doesn't show. Yeah, and tonight I'll be sleeping with Julia Roberts.
Building a Better Theocracy, Part III
Today the SCOTUS (Shameless Co-conspirators of the Unelected S**thead) ruled that public schools must allow religious clubs to meet on school grounds. Is this a flagrant violation of the separation of Church and State? It sure as hell is, kids. The "Good News Club" of New York claimed, vindicated by SCOTUS, that the no-religion rule violates freedom of speech. Once again, KKKonservative Christians are trying to pass themselves off as oppressed. Will Buddhist, Moslem, and Hindu clubs be protected under this rule as well, in the interest of fairness? I wouldn't bet on it, friends. The current regime doesn't appear to have much interest in fairness.
Building a Better Theocracy, Part IV
MSNBC reports, but FoxNews doesn't, that a women's clinic in Tacoma was blown up today. Another victory for the He-Man Woman Haters' Club, also known as the Religious Right. Trust the people, my ass.
(You're) Just a Little Prick, and It's All Over
And finally, good Republican/NRA poster-child/mass- murderer/all-around son-of-a-bitch Timothy McVeigh is now a pile of ashes to be scattered, hopefully into the nearest toilet.
Do fine upstanding Reich Wing hatemongers such as G. Gordon Liddy and Rush Limbaugh, who after Waco, reminded listeners to aim at the heads of ATF agents, rather than the chest, admit to the fact that they're at least partially responsible, through their rhetoric, for psychos like McVeigh and Koresh? Hell NO! That "personal responsibility" bulls**t is for the little people. Good God, I stand incredulous in the face of such profound hypocrisy. Hey Rush! Someday you'll have to answer for the slander and hatred you spread, and I hope it makes the news when someone sues your ass off or gets you s**tcanned, fatboy. ASSHOLE PROJECTION
JUNE 21 --From the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary:
projection (noun):
6b : the attribution of one's own ideas, feelings, or
attitudes to other people or to objects; especially : the
externalization of blame, guilt, or responsibility as a
defense against anxiety.
Why, you ask, do I include this definition?
Watched the news lately? Listened to Limbaugh or any of his
freakazoid clones?
If so, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
The Reich Wing seem to have taken it into their collective head
to spout about how the liberals are melting down. They claim
that we've totally lost touch with reality. That we're living
in a dream world. That losing the election as a result of Al
Gore's inability to steal Florida has driven us over the edge.
That we have no viable candidate for 2004. That Gary Condit
obviously killed Chandra Levy, since he's a Democrat. That we
favor totalitarian forms of government. That we want to
eradicate free speech. That we hate women, blacks, gays and
Christians. That we're socialists. That we're Communists.
That we're Nazis.
Never mind some of the glaring contradictions in the above
litany. We'll address those in a bit. I gotta take these one
by one first -- it's more fun that way.
What do I mean, "take these"?
Aha! We come to the reason why I included the definition at the
beginning of this rant.
Judging by the insane arrogance and transparent hypocrisy weve
seen from the other side of late, I think it's safe to assume that anything they accuse us of doing or being is something of
which they're already guilty.
Shall we start? I hope you brought your boots -- we're gonna be
squelching into some serious bullshit.
RW Claim: The liberals are melting down!
Translation: The Republican Party is consuming itself in an
orgy of back-stabbing and in-fighting!
RW Claim: The liberals have totally lost touch with reality!
Translation: We've been bingeing so hard on stolen power that
we've forgotten there's even a country to run!
RW Claim: The liberals are living in a dream world!
Translation: We know this can't last, so we're going to cause
as much damage as possible before the 2002 elections, and tell
everyone they're falling for the liberal media's spin! If that fails, we'll blame it all on Clinton!
RW Claim: Losing the election as a result of Al Gore's
inability to steal Florida has driven the libs over the edge!
Translation: Winning the election only because of the
simpáticos in SCOTUS has driven us out of our f**king minds with
feelings of guilt and inferiority!
RW Claim: The Democrats have no viable candidate for 2004!
Translation: The latest polls show that, if the election were
held tomorrow, Tom Daschle would beat the living shit out of the
Manchild.
RW Claim: Gary Condit obviously killed Chandra Levy, since he's
a Democrat!
Translation 1: The latest polls show that, if the election were
held tomorrow, Gary Condit would beat the living shit out of the
Manchild.
Translation 2: We hired someone to "disappear" Chandra Levy, so
we could pin it on Condit, because the latest polls show that,
if the election were held tomorrow, Gary Condit would beat the
living shit out of the Manchild.
RW Claim: The libs favor totalitarian forms of government!
Translation: More personal freedom for the little people?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Now, I want to give the rest of these claims a response of more
than one line, because they represent the real threat to
America.
First of all, the claim that liberals oppose free speech.
Contrary to what the Reich Wing believes, there IS a difference
between FREE speech and HATE speech. There are many Reich
Wingers who want to convince us that calling people by slurs,
racial, ethnic, or otherwise, is protected under the First
Amendment. Yeah, Im sure the Founding Fathers put that in
there to make sure you could tell outright lies about anyone you
perceive as a threat and go around calling people ni**ers,
fa**ots, and k*kes with impunity. That is NOT free speech.
That is bigotry, hatred and, yes, FEAR. Not to mention the
tacit acknowledgment of the Golden Boy's tenuous position when they holler that anyone who speaks or writes anything about him in any manner that is not worshipful is a Communist who should be
silenced, blacklisted and/or deported. Remember that one of the
Reich Wing's favorite battle cries when the heat gets too hot is,
"We need another McCarthy!"
We hate women, huh? Tell me, which party's platform is
pro-choice and pro-ERA? On the other hand,which party sent $43 million to the Taliban in April?
We hate blacks, huh? Tell me, which party is against all social
programs, including Affirmative Action? Which party is always
screeching about "reverse racism"?
We hate gays, huh? Tell me, which party thinks gays should have
all the same rights as heteros, including that of legal
marriage?
We hate Christians, huh? Tell me, do you think Christianity
should be given preference over all the other religions in this
country? What about agnostics? What about atheists? Should
they be forced to shoulder the yoke of Christianity? Freedom of
religion also means the freedom to choose NO religion, doesn't
it?
And lastly, a history lesson: one CANNOT be a Communist and a
Nazi at the same time! Jesus! But just by the way, 'Pubs, your
Göbbels is showing. You might want to tuck it back in before
too many people notice...
By all means, keep projecting. Keep spinning. I'll be here to
translate. I'm not leaving anytime soon.
Besides, I haven't had this much fun in years. ANOTHER FORTNIGHTLY REVIEW
JULY 12 -- Once again, folks, my apologies for not updating as regularly as I should. It's a real bitch trying to go to school, work, and keep up a website. But enough about me...let's get down to the real stuff.
BEATING, DICK?
Damn, I really HAVE been away for along time......
As further proof that Sickly Dick is in excellent health, he had The Pacemaker from Hell implanted in his chest a little while back. This particular model carries with it a mini-defibrillator, which will supply a shock to the Dick Ticker (Dicker?) should it happen to stop in mid-wheeze. How surgeons were able to attach a pacemaker to a stone is a different matter altogether. All he needs now is a new oil filter.
But check this out. The White House put out a press release about Sickly Dick's first day back to work: what he did, who he met with, etc. Only problem is, AP released the story at 1:26 AM that morning, some seven hours before he actually returned to work. Makes you wonder what would have happened if he'd had to be re-admitted to the hospital or even died between the release of the story and the actual workday. Can you say PROPAGANDA, kids? I knew you could!
GOT GAS?
I don't know how gas prices are where you all live, but around Dr. Smartyboots' neighborhood, the price of 87 octane has dropped nearly 30 cents per gallon since the power-shift in the Senate, which was immediately followed by threats of investigation of gouging on the part of Big Oil. Coincidence? I think not! It's obvious that the oilmen who are currently masquerading as the Executive Branch of our government were allowing their buddies to screw us for the sheer pleasure of it. And the Boy Wonder and Sickly Dick view the American people with such contempt that they didn't even attempt to cloak what was going on. Yeah, we can just use that f**king tax cut to pay our energy bills. Hey, don't blame me -- I voted for Tommy Chong.
GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT
The Reich Wing has been drooling at the prospect of finding the pregnant corpse of Chandra Levy so they can point the finger at the Democratic Party yet again. Now that Gary Condit has admitted to having had an affair with Ms. Levy, Rep. Bob "Resignation-Calling-For-Guy" Barr (R-GA) has begun the call for Condit's resignation, and a Federal investigation of obstruction of justice is about to begin. Hey, I know a guy who got impeached for the same thing.
But here's the thing that really burns my ass. The Reich Wing began accusing Condit of murdering Ms. Levy as soon as her disappearance was reported. Condit has, to the best of our knowledge, cooperated with the police. He opened his apartment to a search. He submitted a DNA sample. I believe he has agreed to a polygraph test. One of the FauxNews reporters asked some smarmy-ass "expert", "Aren't those the actions of an innocent man?" To which the smarmy-ass "expert" replied, "Yes, but they could also be the actions of a guilty man." Now, come on. The only way you can have your cake and eat it too is if you partake of your own shit. Another "expert" said that Condit is finished politically, and, quote, "We'll get a Republican in his seat." I guess that whole pain-in-the-ass election procedure can be bypassed, now that we have "honor and
integrity" (gaaak) in the White House. And as far as Condit goes, what happened to Due Process? I guess we don't need that anymore, either. Funny. I thought this was America. My bad.
MR. SATURDAY-NIGHT SPECIAL, IN THE FLESH
Once again, militia members and McVeighzoids everywhere are raising their cans of Pabst to Attorney General John AshKKKroft for his plan to alter the interpretation of the Second Amendment so that every man, woman, child and fetus (they're people now too, as a step toward reversing Roe v. Wade) can go everywhere armed to the teeth. Hey, you never know when there will be an Indian attack, or something. I thought this clown was sworn to uphold the law, not change it to fit his own whacko views. You know, guns are phallic symbols. Makes you wonder if conservatives have teeny tiny little Cheneys, don't it?
WHAT THE F**K?!?
Meanwhile, in New York City, the Boy Wonder f**ked up the Pledge of Allegiance at a citizenship ceremony. Great example for our new citizens to follow. "Put your right hand in the air...actually, over your heart." Shrubbites came out of the woodwork to do the apologist thing, screeching that we Communists were engaging in the lowest form of nit-picking to criticize him, or laugh at him, over such a small thing. Well, if you think about it, a five-year-old knows where to put his hand to say the goddam Pledge of Allegiance, but Fearless Leader doesn't. Maybe we should let little Timmy run things for awhile, eh? C'mon! How do you expect Boy George to put his hand on his heart AND read off his index cards? That's just asking too much!
I THOUGHT ONLY PIGS DID THAT!
Lastly, and most disturbingly, the Reich Wing has begun to wallow in its own shit. Some flaming asshole has started a rumor, which is now spreading like wildfire, that President Clinton has AIDS. When called on this, the Reich Wing replies, "It's just a joke! It's funny! Besides, what about how you people call Jenna a drunk and Laura a killer?" Well, you see, guys, Jenna IS a drunk. Laura DID kill someone with her car. Bill Clinton does NOT have AIDS! But as an aside to the total piece of shit who dreamed up this particular "joke": your dumb ass better pray that there's no such thing as karma, you f**king troglodyte. | |
