Unfortunately, a translator was necessary for the meeting with the president of Guatemala, since the Boy Wonder only speaks Mexican.

Here's some stuff I've written over the past few months. You may have seen some of it on the AOL Message Boards. Some of it has also been posted online by the good people at Citizens for Legitimate Government and Fringefolk, who are linked on the Reasonably Cool Links page.

This stuff is all copyrighted. If you wanna use it, write me and ask. I'll probably say yes. If I see my stuff on your site without my permission, I'll come to your house and drink all your beer, eat your food, play your video games, and walk around in my underwear scratching myself. Don't say you weren't warned.

From the New York Times, page A1, August 4, 2058:

CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS TO IMPEACH CLINTON
AGAIN
"We've got him now," says Senate Minority Leader

WASHINGTON, AUGUST 4 (AP) -- Republicans in the House have submitted Articles of Impeachment against former President Bill Clinton today, and the word from the Senate is it's a go.
"We know we have him this time," said Senate Minority Leader Earl Gingrich(R-GA). "We'll finally put Bill Clinton in his place. He'll never see the inside of the White House again."
House Minority Leader George H. W. P. J. Bush III (R-TX), who co-authored the Articles with the fossilized remains of Strom Thurmond (R-SC), which were moved to the House in 2024, concurred, adding, "He won't know what hit him this time."
The motion for impeachment was met with enthusiasm by the Congressional Republicans, and skepticism or even outright indifference by the Democrats. All thirty-eight of the Republicans voted in favor of an impeachment trial; ten Democrats voted against. The remaining fifty-two Democrats utilized the new "Whatever" vote provided specifically for Clinton impeachments.
Bill Clinton, who led the country from 1993 until 2001, has gone down in history as the nation's most-impeached President. This will be the eighteenth time Clinton has been impeached, and the seventh since his death in 2033. So far, none of the impeachment attempts has been successful.
"I really don't understand why they're still trying," said President Al Gore IV, shaking his head in amused consternation. "Everyone thought they would let it rest once I offered to place Bill's coffin in a lockbox. At this point, I don't know whether to be outraged, or just laugh 'em off."
In response to Bush's remarks, Gore heaved a large, exasperated-sounding sigh directly into the FoxNews microphone and added, "No, he probably won't know what hit him this time, considering how long he's been dead."

From the New York Times, August 6, 2058:

LEGAL FIREWORKS COMMENCE NEW
CLINTON IMPEACHMENT
Gingrich: Death is no excuse for absence
WASHINGTON, AUGUST 6 (AP) -- The eighteenth impeachment of former President Bill Clinton began today in the Senate in an atmosphere of outright animosity.
The legal fireworks commenced almost immediately when Clinton's attorney, Michael Boies, informed Senate Minority Leader Earl Gingrich (R-GA) that his client would be unable to be present for the proceedings, or even submit a teledeposition, "due to the fact that, since May 18, 2033, President Clinton has suffered from an irrevocable condition commonly known as death."
"Not an excuse," thundered Gingrich, pounding his fist on a nearby Senate page for emphasis. "How long does your client think he can hide behind such flimsy subterfuge?"
Independent Counsel Kenneth Tripp read the charges compiled by House Minority Leader George H. W. P. J. Bush III (R-TX) and the fossilized remains of Senator Strom Thurmond (R-SC), to wit, that Clinton "did knowingly, repeatedly, and contemptuously:
1. Tear the tag off his mattress which states, 'Do not remove under penalty of law';
2. Cross streets against the light, sometimes outside of a designated crosswalk;
3. Operate a motor vehicle, the tires of which were not at the proper air pressure.
"While none of these actions constitutes a high crime or misdemeanor," Tripp concluded, "it indicates a pattern of behavior which, if not checked, could lead to more serious infractions, much as the smoking of marijuana can lead to heroin addiction, or the teaching of sex education to teenage promiscuity."
Boies responded to the charges by stating, "Again, since Mr. Clinton is deceased, it can be predicted with a fair amount of certainty that these behavior patterns have indeed been broken."
Sen. George George Bush (R-FL), who is House Minority Leader Bush's third cousin's half-brother, asked Tripp if Clinton could additionally be charged with contempt of Congress in light of his failure to appear.
"I don't see why not," Tripp answered.
The Senate page whom Gingrich manhandled has been identified as Jeremy Ronn, 24. When asked about the incident, Ronn replied, "Well, Senator Gingrich apologized to me later. He said that he meant to pound on his desk, but got all caught up in the emotion of the moment. What I dont understand is, his desk was right in front of him, and I was, like, six feet away. He had to get up and walk over to me." Ronn showed the assembled media a T-shirt his fellow pages purchased for him, which was emblazoned with the message, "I WAS AT IMPEACHMENT '58 AND ALL I GOT WAS A BRUISE ON MY SHOULDER." When asked if he accepted Gingrich's apology, Ronn said, "Yeah, I guess so, but damn."

Copyright 2001 by John Racki. All rights reserved. Do not reprint without permission.