 | FAITH-BASED CHARITIES TO SPONSOR ADDICTION PROGRAM
WASHINGTON, FEB. 15 (AP) -- In what has been described as a "groundbreaking move toward bipartisan reconciliation" by religious leaders across the nation, President George W. Bush declared last night that faith-based charities which receive federal funds must sponsor a new support program for addicts.
In a statement released just before midnight, Bush said, "I feel that, in order for the country to move on with the business at hand, we must first help those who need it most at this time. There are millions of good Americans, good Republicans, who are suffering from a debilitating disease called Clintonholism, which, if allowed to continue unchecked, will destroy our great nation."
The new program, to be called Clintonholics Anonymous, will be modeled on the same basic principles as other twelve-step support programs that are designed to help those who are addicted to drugs, alcohol and sex. According to the statement, the program will be "confidential and stigma-free."
Bush's statement concluded, "Each of us knows someone who, for whatever reason and through no fault of his or her own, is unable to refrain from criticizing our former Commander-in-Chief. Some members of Congress have even gone to the extreme of considering impeaching him again, although he is no longer even in office. This simply must stop. While I have no doubt that their hearts are in the right place, these unfortunate souls are embarrassing the Republican Party and themselves. They need our help, and I tell them now: help is on the way."
NORTON PROPOSES ALTERNATIVE PLAN FOR ENDANGERED SPECIES
WASHINGTON, APRIL 18 -- Interior Secretary Gale Norton, having recently come under fire for her lack of support for the Clinton-era Endangered Species Preservation Act, unveiled her plan to implement an alternative program.
In a news conference this afternoon, Norton defended the rationale of her plan, the Endangered Species Euthanasia Act, calling it "the best thing I could come up with on such short notice."
Under the guidelines of the new plan, all animals currently on the Endangered Species list are to be tracked and euthanized in their natural habitats by professional euthanists, or PEs, who will be supplied by the Department of the Interior with specially-modified AK-47 assault rifles. Depending on the species, the PEs may collect as much as $150 for each carcass they present to their field supervisor.
"I think this represents a happy medium between liberal environmentalism and compassionate conservatism," Norton said. "The need for activist lawyers is eliminated, and we'll all be able to fondly recollect each species in the magnificence of its prime, rather than as a few pathetic survivors in a zoo. Additionally, this is the environmentalists' chance to see the Darwinism they profess to embrace at work."
From his ranch in Crawford, Texas, President Bush said, "Secretary Norton is a good woman, and a good Interior Secretary. I think she has a good idea for a good plan, and the results will be good."
White House spokesman Ari Fleischer referred inquiries by the media to the White House Endangered Species Office. Upon calling the provided phone number, this reporter heard a recorded message stating that the office was closed until further notice. | |
